


Lapsed

by Chasingghxsts



Category: Bucky Barnes - Fandom, Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Steve Rogers - Fandom, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: M/M, Mental Illness, Stucky - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-14 16:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7180784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chasingghxsts/pseuds/Chasingghxsts





	1. Chapter 1

Bucky sighed woefully and set the ponderous thought out letter which he had re-written over a time period of a few weeks, down on to the counter, gently, creating no noise.   
He had been thinking about this for a while.  
A good percentage of the time it overcame his mind, he really couldn't help the fact that his mind refused to wander away from the idea which was soon turning into a reality. He didn't want it this way, but it ate up his mind, it spread throughout his thoughts like an incurable cancer, it smothered his saneness like a home engulfed in flames and smoke.  
Each day it got worse.  
Worse to the fact it presented in his appearance.  
No one really noticed though, he just looked tired.  
Maybe Steve noticed. But he never mentioned it. Bucky tended to keep his feelings to himself. He wasn't that open.  
Maybe it was all the shit from Hydra catching up in his brain, maybe it was turning him insane, maybe it created this inexpressible feeling Bucky felt now.  
Or maybe he was just fucked up.  
Maybe it was karma.  
"What you give is what you get," The saying was probably taking it's toll. He certainly was far from a saint.  
Steve was out, Probably out buying plums for Bucky; Bucky chuckled at the thought.  
Then again, he knew this would hurt Steve, but it was better for everyone, he knew he should've done this a long, long time ago.  
He took one last glance of the place, his fingers paused on Steve's leather jacket and stayed there whilst his mind contemplated his decision, one part screaming:   
"Yes, yes, do it, you have to! You know it's better for everybody if you weren't here, giving everyone trouble, limiting Steve's life," whilst the other part begged:   
"No, please don't, it will hurt Steve greatly, think about the length of trouble he's went through to get you back, you can't just throw it all back into his face!"  
He jerked his head, set his face straight with determination and meandered out, breaking whatever bond had caused him to waste valuable time. 

 

Bucky didn't really remember much then. He only really remembered someone screech "BUCKY!" with the feeling of sizeable hands forcefully clasping his underarms, dragging him a short period of time before he could not recall much else. Bucky slowly, very slowly pried his eyes open a fraction, his vision being quite blurry before focusing.   
He was in a inconsequential room. It was quite lit, not to bright to the extent it would hurt anyone's eyes, but just the right luminosity. He swallowed, his throat was unbelievably dry. He groaned and winced at the slight rough pain located in his throat. He came to his senses. Noticed a drip sat besides the bed he lay in, a monitor besides that beeped. Quickly, he went to sit up, but being stopped by some restriction that rested over his chest and arms. He began to sweat, arms attempting to break free of the restraints. The monitors began to beep increasingly fast. He was panicking.  
He heard the door a door open and a hand rest on his rapid breathing chest, applying a little pressure. Bucky knew this wasn't an attack or any of the sort, he got that it was a small act to try and calm him down. The slightly agitated Bucky glanced up, his eyes crossing two pale, cerulean ones, also discovering that the person's irises contained the tiniest bit of green toned throughout the blue.  
"Bucky?" The man questioned softly, him then proceeding to sigh a sigh of...relief?  
His burnt sienna with the slightest hint of gold hair flopped slightly at the ends. He smiled reassuringly. From what Bucky could tell, he was quite tired. The dark circles underlining his eyes told him so.  
Bucky remained silent. He kept still, he wasn't ready to let his guard down, but he still continued to keep his eyes stuck on the man though, if anything, he had to keep alert regardless of the situation. His eyes investigated the man's face for anything familiar. The monitors went back to normal, average beeps.  
"Bucky," The man spoke again, his eyes foraging for Bucky's attention. Bucky gave it to him. "It's me...you remember me...right?" Bucky remained inaudible. The man exhaled quietly, seeming like in the slightest disappointment but something told him that he shouldn't feel the metaphorical drop of his heart, that he shouldn't pressure Bucky. "It's Steve,"  
Bucky had heard that name from somewhere, well, obviously there is a lot of men named Steve but no, there was some significant person by the name of Steve, he couldn't recall who though, maybe it was the man sitting in front of him right now? But in what sort of significance would this random man hold? Obviously it was plain to see that this man Steve knew Bucky, but Bucky didn't know him. Yet.  
Although he did recognise the young, sculpted face of the man Steve, but from what Bucky could remember, his face never used to be as slim, his cheekbones seemed to stick out more, his eyes a little more sunken in.  
Bucky raised his eyebrow a little, indicating for him to go on more.   
"Steve Rogers, you know, your good ol' Captain America?" Steve replied, his face lightning up with the smallest flair of hope.  
Bucky fought hard in his mind to recall what all this was, who this man is, why he's here, why he has such a great significance of Bucky, why the name and face and title even MATTER to Bucky. And that's when he got it.  
Bucky's eyes widened and he began desperately trying to escape, his hands just itching to wrap around Steve's neck.   
He needed to break free.  
He needed to complete his mission.  
Steve was in the middle of talking about his casual day when he gawked down at Bucky in sheer surprise, who was in the process of breaking free from the restraints around his body. That's when Bucky's cannula fell out of his arm, the monitors began speeding up again and Steve was stuttering things to try and calm and reassure Bucky, which in all fairness did not work, didn't even make the smallest impact on Bucky. Bucky was too occupied with trying to get to Steve, that he didn't note the fact that two people rushed into the room, one of which was driving Steve out and using the words:  
"Sir, you have to leave,"   
Steve was now out of the room, the two people were in the process of sticking Bucky's cannula back into his hand, putting something in it. It effects happened dramatically quick, and Bucky was out cold in a matter of seconds.

 

Steve sat on the chair in the room next to the room in which Bucky was in. He felt drained. Disappointed. Far from happy.  
He sighed, bending over and resting his elbows on his knees. He felt like he had been punched in the chest. He had been waiting for over a week for Bucky to finally come to consciousness. The level of anticipation Steve have felt during these days was crazy, he honestly couldn't wait for Bucky to come back, finally, once again have his best friend back. He couldn't wait any longer to be able to see his favourite pair of eyes.   
He was told there was a risk of some memory damage, like that wasn't obvious. He was told Bucky may not remember everything. But Steve, being the optimistic man he is, tried to look past this risk and have hope that maybe, just maybe, Bucky would be the same man he was before he tried to take his own life.  
But no, it was a complete disaster.   
Bucky didn't even remember Steve for a while, but then he did. That WAS a relief but it all went so wrong.   
Steve didn't need to wonder why Bucky had tried to attack him. It was quite unexpected though, from what Steve thought anyway.   
He felt like it should've been obvious that what Bucky did to himself would've fucked up the chemicals in his brain, maybe even trigger whatever Hydra put inside him. It wasn't a shock no more that Bucky tried to do this, his previous goal from Hydra was to kill Steve. And that's what he had remembered when he finally realised who Steve was.   
Steve tried unbearably hard to try and not let this effect him, but it really did. When he finally had gotten his best friend back, this had to happen, and now he was back in the mind set of a Hydra soldier. Steve chewed the insides of his cheek and gripped his knuckles, trying to hold in his emotions. That's one thing he tried to not do, was show his emotions. He had to be the strong guy, the optimistic one who reassured everything and didn't let his feelings ruin anything. But right now Steve was alone. For just a few seconds he let the tears well up in his eyes before angrily wiping them away with the back of his hand.  
He knew this wasn't Bucky's fault. It wasn't his fault that whatever still lingered in his brain could take control of him.  
Steve blamed himself, he blamed himself for not being there fully for Bucky, he knew Bucky didn't like anyone intruding in his privacy but maybe Steve should've. He knew Bucky wasn't acting completely normal. But again, he thought he was doing the right thing for Bucky by giving him space. He thought he was doing the right thing through not choosing to obsess over Bucky's emotions which he had obviously hid very well. To be fair though, Steve did try to ask how Bucky was a couple pf times a day, nothing obsessive and nothing to intrusive, just what normal people do. Bucky would just reply with various responses in the "I'm fine," section. Steve personally felt he was so blind to what Bucky's intentions were.  
"Just give it time, just give it time," Steve worded to himself, inhaling and exhaling deeply before standing up and leaving the room.


	2. Chapter 2

From this point on, Steve visited Bucky everyday for the next week. Bucky still did not speak, but Steve wasn't going to force him to do something he didn't want, or wasn't comfortable with doing.  
Steve basically looked after Bucky, regarding the normal check up on nurses and all that stuff, Steve looked after him in a more, "emotional" level. For example, he always made sure Bucky had eaten each meal he was given beforehand, in return receiving one of his favourite chocolate bars as a kind of reward. Bucky wasn't exactly allowed anything like chocolate, so it was quite a luxury. Steve knew this made Bucky a little happier.   
Steve would always ask if Bucky was okay, seeing as he apparently didn't do that enough beforehand. He would not surprisingly get a shrug in reply; Pursing his lips, Steve wouldn't exactly be impressed by the long-term silence Bucky would give, he had the feeling like his small gestures of kindness were being shrugged off as just being nice.  
Steve would always keep the conversation going though, even if it did feel like he was speaking to brick wall as they say, he continued anyway, speaking of his day, or any exciting events that had happened in the past 24 hours. It may have only been a one way conversation but Steve felt that talking regardless helped the healing of one's self.

It wasn't always easy to visit Bucky though, a few hours out of Steve's day was a major sacrifice, seeing as he was Captain America and all, being busy was a major understatement. He gave up quite a bit for Bucky, as if "betraying" your friends and turning against the law wasn't enough to give up for one person. But Steve felt like it was worth it regardless.  
But even in Steve's worst moods, yes the Captain of America has his bad times, he would always clear himself up for Bucky, replacing anger struck breaths with a happy-go-lucky boyish smile.

But again he still wouldn't get a response from Bucky, hell he hadn't spoken to anyone in a few weeks since his suicide attempt, the good majority living in a medically induced Coma. The last words that Steve could remember Bucky wording, were directed towards Steve, them being, "Always be safe, Steve," Steve not taking this as anything weird or abnormal. For so long afterwards, Steve regretted his decision to go out and buy food, even though it desperately needed to be done.   
But for now, Steve was content enough with the curious, attentive eyes of Bucky's eyes lingering on him.

It still slightly upset Steve to an extent though, that his best friend was damaged to the point of complete silence, the only real vocal noises being an odd cough here and there. Steve truly missed Bucky's quirky, cool voice adding in the odd innappropiate joke at the worst of moments, or his lovable laugh, Steve wanted to see him in that state of happiness again.  
But how didn't he notice though? Steve felt unbelievably stupid that he didn't properly notice the mood changing in Bucky, or the fact that his eyes seemed to get duller by each passing day. He felt like an ass that now he could see the decreasing in Bucky's happiness and how they effected his person, wheras before he was too occupied with other things to actually take notice. Now, he always took things like that into account.

By this point Bucky had proved he wasn't going to tear off Steve's head from his shoulders or attempt to smash his way out of the facility, so he got the freedom of finally being able to move around freely around the tiny room he occupied, no restrictions.   
Bucky slowly rubbed his wrist with his opposite hand and smiled slightly at the glee he felt. He rolled and rotated his wrists, sitting up straight and stretching his lazy, movement deprived limbs.

He hated that bed, it reminded him greatly of any experiences involved with Hydra, being restrained was often, it sometimes lead his thoughts to saunter to memories he didn't exactly want to re-live or encounter again, those being like the torture he went through to be how he is now, to be the Winter Soldier.  
Little people knew what James Buchanan Barnes went through to have the power he claimed. Seeing as he did drop out of a fast moving train onto the snow covered ground many feet beneath, SURVIVING (thanks to Zola's experiments on him when being held captive) And experiencing the excruciating pain of too many bones breaking at once as he hit the ground with an unbelievable force that would make Isaac Neuton wince.  
The pain was all he really remembered as his blood seeped out of his body, dying the pure snow beneath, kinda like Hydra poisoning Bucky's mind. He would gain and loose, then re-gain and re-loose his consciousness, before the feeling of large hands gripping the fabric on shoulders came to mind.  
He woke to extreme pain after this, his eyes forcing open until they felt like tearing at the corners. Wide and terrified, he would try desperately to absorb the environment and the people around him, but seeing as his head and other places were heavily restricted, and that the only thing he could bring into his view was the blinding light above him, he was unsuccessful in this task. But the pain, it was...awful, horrible...that's the only words Bucky could use to describe it.  
In this point in time, Bucky panicked, as would any other human being in this situation, questions like:  
"Where the hell am I?!"  
"What's happening!?"  
"Who are these people?!"  
"What are they doing to me!? My arm!?"  
"Am I going to die!?"  
"Hydra?!"

Hydra weren't easy going.

Pain is what they took pride in, it made you stronger, resilient, apparently.  
That's probably one of the main reasons why they didn't bother using anaesthesia when they cut off his arm.  
That, or they loved the sheer torture of it, how it made Bucky scream in all the wrong ways, even the mind-wiping process lead him to scream in agony, the sadistic fucks.  
Nobody was actually sure why Hydra gave Bucky a metal arm, he wasn't told either. It was kind of a "Take this and don't ask questions" kind of thing. He just assumed that when he had fallen off the train that he had landed on his arm, probably shattering most of his bones to the point of uselessness, can't have a super soldier with a disabled arm now can we?  
He knew it definitely gave him an advantage, it being Vibranium and all.  
But what annoyed Bucky was that everyone assumed once Bucky was gone from Hydra that he was, you know, "okay."  
People seemed to ignore the fact that he endured physical, emotional and mental damage. They didn't take into the account of how much shit he went through when being captive by Hydra. Imagine being tortured multiple times, experiencing such disgusting pain, being controlled to kill certain people, people you late realise were innocent or even people you knew, but then shortly after mind-wiped, this happening multiple times like a vicious cycle of vile events till you're free or well, free from Hydra, and you begin to remember ALL OF THIS over and over and over again.  
It is enough to say that that would anyone un-sane and mentally ill. PTSD eat your heart out.

Bucky stared down at his two hands, the metal and flesh. Steve tapped Bucky softly on the shoulder, Bucky glanced up slightly panicked but then relaxed when his eyes met Steve's.  
"You alright Buck?" He questioned, raising an eyebrow. Bucky nodded, standing up for the first time in ages.  
"I would've let you out of those restraints sooner if I had the power to," Steve uttered. This would normally be where Bucky would insert a joke or comment about kink, but this time he just made a "hmpf" noise in slight amusement, Steve knew Bucky well enough by now that this was what he was slightly amused at. Steve shook his head.  
"Tut-tut," Steve replied and for a second he paused, before wrapping his arms around Bucky who froze for a moment but relaxed into Steve's embrace, slowly exhaling.  
Steve let go and apologised, covering his embarrassment through a cough.

Steve spoke to Bucky a little more till it reached 10pm, the time Steve left on average.  
He rose from the chair he sat in, brushing imaginary dirt off his jeans.  
"Well it's once again time for me to leave, Buck," He said, spotting Bucky silently sighing. "I'm sorry but-" Bucky grabbed Steve's wrist, not roughly or in a harmful way but in a 'Please stay a little longer,' way. Steve got this and nodded, resting back into the chair and smiling. "I'll stay a little longer while then, happy?" Bucky nodded.  
Bucky didn't normally do this kind of thing because he didn't like the appearance of being needy, it made him feel pathetic, but he had been unbelievably lonely and Steve was his only source of company, seeing him made him feel a little happier.   
But alas, the time came for Steve to properly leave, he did have a life of his own after all.  
And Bucky was left alone once again to ramble about in his mind like he did every night.


End file.
